all you can eat

The buffet restaurant is a paradox. Its humble beginnings have spawned an unlikely empire. How is this business model profitable? How do they plan for food cost? And yet, how do we still scoff at the $10 per plate they charge for unlimited access to their smorgasbord?

I can't answer any of those questions, but after a recent visit to Sweet Tomatoes, I can provide you with some tried and true tips to get the most out of your buffet visit.

Go a little before 4 p.m., when they jack it up to dinner price. You can score the dinner entree selection at the lunch price. Old people are right about this part (except on Sundays, where many places charge dinner price all day to gouge the Jesus crowd).

Avoid carbonated beverages. Your gastrointestinal system has enough to look forward to without liquid assistance.

Sit close to the food, but not too close. The longer you have to walk back and forth, the more time you have to think about whether you are full. If you are too near the food, however, you risk observing other customers who may taint your desire to consume self-serve mashed potatoes from the same pan as that woman in the muumuu.

Course the experience. Plate one should be a tapas-style sample of various items that strike your fancy. You are probably super hungry on the first plate, so it's okay to load this one up. That way you'll know what to go back for.

Plate two should be a hearty course including some protein and bread. Don't forget to try some soup or chili. Pasta will always be a gamble. Salad is mostly water, so depending on your toppings, you can pack down quite a bit of it.

Pace yourself. Like much of life, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Be careful with bread, because it can fill you up. The fresher and hotter, the better. If your bread is cold or has been out for a while, avoid it. When dealing with flatbread, it's okay to leave a pizza-style crust. Same deal for baked potatoes. While I normally advocate eating potatoes whole, this is a situation where leaving the potato skin behind is allowable.

By the middle of the meal, share recommendations with your fellow diners, and try something they enjoyed. This is a great way to help one another avoid the disaster items they throw in to flesh out the buffet.

If you feel yourself slowing down, take a break. The food will still be there in a few minutes, and it's not like they're going to run you out of there.

As you realize you are approaching the end of your stomach capacity, snag any items you've had your eye on but not yet sampled. Your final plate should be a collection of 'greatest hits' menu items, tailored to your personal tastes.

Final plate before dessert, of course. I'm convinced that every health department license for a buffet restaurant includes a soft-serve machine. Avoid the gelatin, and proceed directly to the sundae station. Place a brownie or cookie, where available, in the bottom of the dessert dish. Add your ice cream flavor of choice, unless the handle is broken off the chocolate, in which case you'll have to settle for swirl. Be picky about the sprinkles/crumbles/gummies...after all, we want to watch our calories.

Regardless of your age, it is tacky to wrap any items in a napkin and stuff them in your purse or pants pocket for off-premises consumption. It doesn't matter whether it's for your dog, it's still tacky.

There you have it, my recipe for getting the most bang for your buffet buck. Don't come crying to me when your stomach hurts.